| Wild Bill Bauer and I argue quite a bit over whose generation is more worthless. One time, while stuck in Minot, ND, we jotted these slams down. The result, "Generation Gaps" was printed in part in the St. Cloud Times. | ||
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GENERATION GAPS |
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1946 to 1964, 76 million Americans were born. This steep increase
in population became known as the Baby Boom. Standup comic
"Wild" Bill Bauer is a Baby Boomer, and he'll never let
you forget it.
Comedian Craig Allen is a Generation X-er. The children of the Baby Boomers, the Gen X-ers have been labeled as "slackers" by the Boomers. |
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| BILL: It starts as a low-pitched whine in the background, but it's not serious enough to get up and check on yet. Suddenly, the whine builds to a crescendo and snaps. Generation X has entered the workforce, and they're all calling in sick. | ||
| CRAIG: It really starts as a low rumbling sound, like thunder in a distant storm. Another rumble joins the first, then another, then yet another, until it sounds like Main Street in Sturgis. It sounds like a couple of Boomers have gotten together, to reminisce about the "good old days" and to grumble about their kids. | ||
| BILL: Want a sign of civilization's decline? Just turn on the radio. Uggghhh! Now, we had music. The Beatles redefined the musical soundscape and brought about "the summer of love". The X-er's only tunesmith, Kurt Cobain, killed himself because he had a tummy ache. For lack of some Pepto, a voice was lost. Kurt left behind his wife, Courtney Love ("I call my band Hole, 'cause I've got one"). Ugh! We had Lesley Gore (no relation to the inventor of the Internet), Marianne Faithful and Petula Clark - all babes! And to celebrate it, we created rock concerts. This "happening" culminated in Woodstock, a celebration of love. Today, TicketMaster rules over a sterile music scene populated by clueless Neanderthals that make Ted Nugent look like a poet laureate. Sure, Janis & Jim & Jimi overdosed, but it was in the pursuit of a higher consciousness, not some cheap high. Boomer's music stood for ending war, stopping the unjust, and most of all: LOVE. Free love, of which we gave and accepted without hesitation. | ||
| CRAIG:
First off, it wasn't free love. My generation has to pay for it.
Because of you, we have to wear so much latex during sex that we
look like Godzilla in the old Japanese movies. And your music
defined music forever? I don't think so. In fact, the only time
you'll hear Boomer music these days is if you tune in a classic
rock station, or you accidentally stumble into a gay bar. Listen
people, Frampton hasn't come alive in over twenty years! I
don't think he's coming back. Much of the music from you era
cannot be enjoyed without recreational drug use, as many of you
are beginning to realize. Don't believe me? Try listening to
Ringo Starr's solo stuff now that you're clean and sober.
You know, maybe Joplin, Morrison and Hendrix checked out early because they realized what their generation was becoming. How can we not be pessimistic when we've seen an entire generation of idealists throw away its morals like a used condom (which by the way, you never used). You say you made tremendous strides, but really, you just sold out. You went from "Give Peace A Chance" to Give Me A Piece of the Action. Want proof? Turn on the TV. Everywhere you look, some Boomer icon or another hawking 10-10-321. Better that Morrison died young, than be caught arguing with Sherman Helmsley over the best way to call collect. You went from liberal causes like legalizing abortion, to a bunch of ultra-conservatives that are blocking those very same abortion clinics, causing traffic to back up, making me late for work. |
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| BILL:
Ha! There has yet to be an X-er on time for anything. Did
you know that employers had to change the rules concerning
tardiness? You used to be able to show up 7 minutes late before
you were counted late. Now it's up to 14 minutes.
Perhaps the most annoying aspect of the your generation is your inability to serve. To put it plainly, you make terrible servants. Not only is the personal appearance aspect all wrong (You there! Yes, you, with the reptile tattoo!) but your attitude has got to go! I guess I could tolerate some multi-pierced, tattooed, orange-haired, sexually-ambivalent, teenager waiting on me...but drop the attitude! I know it's wrong, but when I read about that Beavis wannabe who had to have his tongue removed after his piercing went bad, I laughed myself sick. X-ers should work on computers and set VCRs, and leave the artistic side of things to my generation. |
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| CRAIG:
Yeah, technology's hard isn't it? What shame is there in knowing
how to set a VCR or to log onto the Internet? That's probably why
you're always yelling for us to turn our music down - you can't
work the volume control yourselves. The generation before you
built the Interstate Highway system, harnessed nuclear power and
landed on the moon. The moon! Baby Boomers have trouble with clock
radios.
Granted, our self expression is different. We put metal pins in our noses, instead of our hips. Our tattoos are a bit less simple than your "OZZY" across the knuckles, or the classy "eagle clutching a penis in its talons", but really, your generation are the masters of bodily mutilation. You've done insane things with breast augmentation, face lifts and collagen-injections . I don't need to see someone's mom or grandma with "pouty blowjob lips". |
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| BILL:
Personally, I can't see enough of that.
Here's another thing: I can remember my first apartment. It was the upstairs of a rundown house in a seedy part of the city. X-er's idea of their own place is the basement of their Mom and Dad's. Please! I will never have to deal with empty nest syndrome, because it'll never be empty. The only way Boomers will know peace is if their X-er finds a girlfriend to live off. Here's my impression of an X-er popping the question: "Will you pay my rent?" It's so bad, even the lesbians are sponging off their girlfriends. And sloppy! Not the lesbians, I meant X-ers in general. Sloppy! When I was young, a strange odor invaded our neighborhood one summer. The authorities ripped out sewer lines looking for the stench. Finally, they found it. The Scales family had been defecating into milk cartons. They had to burn the house down. In the next twenty years I envision many such fires across America. |
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| CRAIG: That's if you Boomers ever figure out childproof lighters. Besides, the house you burn down may be your own. It's easy to look down on us for living at home longer than you did, but you've made it awfully hard for us to leave. There are so many places to choose from: Do I live with Mom? Or Dad? Or Dad's second wife? Or "Uncle" Barry? Your generation has the highest divorce rate ever! | ||
| BILL: Okay, I'll give you that. But, I just want to remind everyone what we've accomplished. Boomers ended racial and sexual discrimination. We also mandated handicapped parking and affirmative action, two good ideas that maybe went a step too far. Sure, we had some failures: Bill Clinton and Major League Baseball come to mind. However, our biggest error was in dealing with our fathers' generation. We never quite made peace with them, or they with us. And now, we are herding them into nursing homes - those people warehouses that stand on the fringes of our cities, and we mock the greatest generation of the century. | ||
| CRAIG: Okay, we haven't accomplished much yet. But we've created a lot of things: The Cartoon Network, and...and...okay, just give us time. After we figure out what we're want to do, we'll go out and start making things happen. We'll make out mark, and it won't just be the stupid "X" that you've labeled us with. | ||
| BILL: Yes it will. You guys have the highest rate of illiteracy ever! | ||
| CRAIG: Just you wait, Bill. You think that putting your parents into nursing homes was bad? Wait'll you see what we've got planned for you! | ||
